We are a retired elementary teacher who daily let our inner ones be with our kidlets at school and because of that much healing occurred within. We, in our lifetime, have either owned or fostered 25 doggies. If prompted, we can recite each of their names. We currently share our home with 2 kitties who truly believe they are in charge… and they are… in most cases… We have found “our tribe” within the RA/MC community. We are a co-facilitator of Cupp of Hope, a support group for RA/MC survivors.
A Conversation with Our Mommy… Our Birth Mama
Hi Mommy,
Never ever did we get to say those words to you.
But maybe you sensed it in our newborn eyes as you held onto our teeny tiny fingers and smiled at us…
Professionals have always said we should not be in as good shape as we are that maybe… just maybe… somebody loved us very early on in our life.
We always told them there was nobody… nobody that cared… nobody that protected us…
But then one day in our remembering, we remembered you… our Mommy.
It was you Mommy, you who tried to care for us until we were ripped out of your arms.
We remember you whispered to us…“Be strong little one”…
That short time we had together has sustained us. Maybe it was only for a few hours or a few days, but it’s made a difference in our life.
We wonder how old you were when you were raped and we were conceived?
He did the same to us at ages 9, 11 and 13 all because of that need to carry on their bloodline.
We wonder when you first knew we were within you?
We never knew about our babies until they were expelled from our body in a puddle of body tissue and fluids.
We wonder if you could be our sister?
We never ever had one… we’d like that a lot.
We wonder if you have blue eyes like us and a sense of humor that sustained you as ours has us?
Do you also have that hope… that unwavering hope… that hope that we clung to back then and that we cling to today… That hope that tells us… it can be different…?
We wonder if you could read for hours and be engrossed in books like Nancy Drew and the Bobsey Twins where there were families that had a kind Mama?
We wonder if you ever knew freedom from the daily terror you were experiencing?
We too have experienced horror daily but eventually we escaped.
We know we stayed alive because you showed us love, in a setting filled with pure evil.
We wonder Mamma what you named us?
We always have hated the name they called us by.
Mommy, we have been strong.
In spite of the cages we lived in, and in spite of the continual drugging and raping, in spite of being told over and over we were bad and everything was our fault and how they should have killed us years ago and… and… and… and…
We stayed alive…
We have suffered greatly from the ever present isolation from not knowing ourselves and not knowing other human beings.
But in spite of it all we have developed a very strong faith. We wonder if that somehow was true for you too?
We’d like to think you’re proud of us, Mommy…
Nowadays, many days we are strong enough to help other survivors… to listen and to care… and to be a witness for them…
But there is and will always be an empty hole, a void, a longing to know more about you, a canyon in our heart for not having had more time with you, our Mama.
We’re having this conversation with you because we want you to know that we cherish that you gave us what you could… hope and touch and smiles for just a little while.
It helped make us who we are today. We adore you Mommy.
An Enduring Love Story of 2 RA/MC Systems
Of course the bad people put us together on purpose
but no matter what… love always shone thru.
We met in Paris, two very broken systems, who found solace and comfort within each others.
About a year later we were married… the happiest we had ever, ever been…
Love blossomed and shone thru our darkness.
Both of us were completely oblivious to our pasts and so struggled to “do marriage”.
There were many, many tearful… sometimes screaming conversations… lasting far into the wee hours of the morning.
But somehow the commitment to work this all out… valiantly shone thru.
As we would take evening walks… more and more often we, joanies, would only walk so far and then would sit down on the sidewalk refusing to budge as we whispered, terrified about the goat head in the garage we were seeing…
So then our Mike would comfort us, tell us he’d protect us as we clung to him and then he’d have to go get the car and bring us home. You see we were beginning to remember… Not understanding, but gentle sweet acceptance and hugs shone thru.
In our rememberings, Mike was always in the trenches with us and us with him… sitting up all night beside us as we sat with a butcher knife in our hand waiting until dawn. And then us… holding Mike’s hand and teaching and encouraging one of his toddlers how to climb steps… one foot and then the other… then again one foot and then the other… We’re here to help you always…
Acceptance, time with, encouragement and caring about all our peoples shone thru…
So with remembering came therapy for both systems and eventually marriage
counseling. We had the best marriage counselor ever… who believed in the sanctity of our love and believed that despite our lack of knowing how to do relationships, we could learn and would be able to communicate as a couple.
Both systems knowing our love was worth the hard work and changes needed shone thru.
Learning to really listen to each other, and negotiate our needs, and admit when we were in the wrong took lots of practice, but both systems were willing to do the work… trying over and over again as we learned how to communicate in healthier ways… slowly shone thru.
As both systems began to get stronger, we knew we needed to move away from the bad ones’ influence and so we did… Excitement and freedom… shone thru.
Moving to the beach… we became so connected to the inner ones in both systems and we laughed and played and we healed… We rode the waves in our inner tubes together and drew pictures in the sand and began to believe we could do this… this balancing act of dealing with the past and living in the present… and being a healthy couple.
Somehow we were doing life with so much love and friendship shining thru.
And then there was a call from the hospital and we… joanies… were rushing to get there. Only terror shone thru.
Learning that Mikes had about 3 weeks left to live… with tears flowing down our face… such courage our inner ones exhibited as we reassured him and all that we’d be ok… that somehow we’d be ok…
Broken hearted, beyond broken hearted, shattered love and lost dreams shone thru.
But how could we do this… and… and… how could we ever say goodbye and thank all in Mike for being our bestest friends… our love… and… and… and… but somehow peace shone thru… as no words were necessary, we were just together holding hands and finding something to giggle about as we had always done… just being with each others.
And during those 3 weeks the hospice center was introduced to DIDness. A sign was on Mike’s wall that said please remind me what year it is and that I’m safe and that joanie loves us.
Oh gentle, gentle tender loving care Mikes was given in his last days truly shone
through.
So now even after all this time our heart continues to be so, so heavy as we grieve each day for our family… our Mikes and all the inner ones who we had the privilege to know and love and are no longer with us.
Hurting… can’t catch a breath… can’t do this one more minute… we want to die, too… but no, we will never let the bad people win… sooo maybe we can hang on for one more minute. Maybe somehow we can help another survivor system… shines thru.
Our heart is filled always with our remembers of our love story with Mikes… that which is beyond precious. That which was real… that which lives in our heart forever.
That relationship for which they meant for their evil purposes… but that for which love brilliantly… always… shone thru.
BY OURSELVES | ABOUT OURSELVES | FOR OURSELVES | FOR EACH OTHER | 