We are a survivor of engineered mind control, GMC, child trafficking, ritual abuse, and a lot of types of abuse and torture, including around our twin and twinning. We are a big polyfragmented system living with a lot of consequences of the decades of abuse.
We also are a poet, artist, somatic coach and peer support worker, resonance practitioner, and a person of many experiences that all come together to influence how we flow through the world. Some of our favorite things are lakes, cups of tea, cats, friendship, books of poetry, paintings, canoeing, being with the sky, and working towards a kinder and warmer world. We are constantly learning how to accept being an RA survivor and seeking to connect to this world in a way we never got to experience as children.
Why Do You Call?
I don’t want to hear from you
Or you, or you
And certainly not me.
There’s very few I care to know any longer,
And the most bother of all
Is the face in the mirror…
It stubbornly ignores its bags are waiting at the door.
Humanity has made me want to spit on its wretched face.
Humanity has made me feel nothing.
Or perhaps above all,
Humanity has made me long so much for it
That I no longer open my door.
For I saw it break down
Rusted and creaking
In the gaping jaws of a stone eyed man.
I’ve been looking for it since,
But all the faces seem empty masks
Where someone forgot to stuff the soul back in.
I am not excluded.
Puppet and mache, I extend my burlap limbs
And sigh in groans
Of the inanimate forced to life.
You say I’m not an object?
Let me show you my number.
It’s pretty as it’s even so you know.
And helps me remember
Where I actually belong.
You give me a disturbed look,
That’s why I want no one to call.
You won’t understand this madness
Until you’ve seen the smoke fall.
Then you’ll be just like me.
And even numbers give me solace after all…
When human matter no longer matters
You’ll still have the math of it all.
So why did you bother writing?
Please don’t disturb me from my nightmares anymore
You will never fix the souls I swallowed down
To try to keep them whole.
You will never make these lips
Feel like they’re doing more than sucking for air.
You will never see the roses
Set on fire by the hair.
Don’t call me unless you find humanity
As it was, too long ago…
I do not want your empty words.
I do not want to hear mine most of all.
O brother
In a land of Gods and demons
You were the only noise I could make out
That sounded human.
You were the ringing bell
Inside my blood
Calling me to something different
And I followed to a room of light
But you weren’t there.
Brother I have been wandering,
Alone, with your flesh and blood
Consuming away at my skin
Until I almost swear I am you
Breathless as you eat away my lungs.
My anger is melting.
My rage dissolving into a pill I’m swallowing
That we had little choices in a room of cards
Where we didn’t deal the game
And I am sorry that we both thought
We were the ones that wanted to play.
Were you scared when you descended?
In Hades’ tale he doesn’t look back
Only offering Persephone seeds upon his teeth
But what happens
When she won’t eat them?
What happens when the winter lasts forever
Instead of months?
But we were more like Apollo and Artemis
More like the sun and the moon
Circling around each other like wolves, teeth bared,
Who were never destined to touch.
Am I the night or day?
Trade places and masks, find which ones fit
From each other’s arsenals
And you will whisper to me breathlessly
You wanted more than this.
I did too.
God I did too.
I still feel you like sticky tack
Being peeled away
Them taking what’s inside you and stringing it
Apart and I never know
If I should scream, if I should cry
Or if I smile since at least I can feel you still alive.
Is it all worth the price?
Well you were always Helenus
To my Cassandra
Lead the war and I will use my voice to cry
When even the walls won’t listen
Even when they scream at me to die
But just remember from where you got your eyes
Brother
And I will remember from where
I learned to feel these veins
And the fact they are capable of life.
Life After the War
Life after the war.
A bed that hasn’t been made in three days,
Hair pulled taut
On a summer morning
The taste of a peach first thing
And with no where to go,
No where to be.
Can you believe we’re here?
Somehow all that suspended time
In that clearing, gave way.
The fire’s out and I can’t smell anything
But this fan spinning cool air,
Saying it’s all behind me.
Sometimes it gets hard to believe
Tug on my own skin to remind me
There’s no more dirt on my palms
No more trigger I need to click
No more blood that needs to spill.
Do I deserve it?
My morning freedoms, my decisions
My slow ascent
Becausr I don’t have to run anymore
Just to live?
Do I belong in my aftermath?
Can my body learn
How to not command?
Can my voice be only soft
And not the medium
For their demands?
Life after the war I am busy
Trying to learn how to not be busy
How to not hate myself
For the ghosts of my sins
How to love enough it feels
It was worth all of this
How to understand how it happened
And how to remember
Yet live again.
BY OURSELVES | ABOUT OURSELVES | FOR OURSELVES | FOR EACH OTHER | 